I listen to sports radio for professional reasons, at least that is my excuse. Recently sports radio has inundated me with discussions of seeding and bubble teams, but as I listened a debate about 2nd and 3rd seeds debate for the 15th time, the drumbeat of commercials underneath the sports news and hype caught my attention. Turns out sports radio covers a niche market. It only gets about 2-3 percent of markets but for a very desirable target demographic of 25-50 year old males who seldom do anything but work and watch sports. They have money and buy lots of electronic toys. ESPN now has launched a national sports radio network consolidating stations it grabbed up in cities all over the country. Listening I began to wonder, “just who does sports radio think we are? “
I took notes on commercials and organized them into clusters. This clustering gave a pretty clear picture of who I am supposed to be. It will be only too obvious:
Man UP Did you know there is a testosterone crisis in America? Well there is. Intergenerational testosterone is declining; men are becoming wooses. They (we) need more testosterone and clinics abound to help recover our lost sex drives, muscle tone and energy. If testosterone does not work I have five different ways to get cheap Viagra. Numerous health clubs will tone and refine your new chemical grown muscles. The tragic epidemic in hair loss can now be rectified with multiple doctors and medicines. All of this transformation comes together by solidifying it with joining a good golf club and having someone else carry your clubs.
Home Life Sports guys don’t have homes; they have castles or cool condos. Super cool and very large televisions, stereos and advanced cell phones litter the castle and are powered by satellite or integrated sports delivery systems. A pervasive home challenge is answered by ads on getting good divorce lawyers who help “good men.” If you don’t need a lawyer castle or electronic toys, you can find lots of concrete and hammers and guy stuff that you can destroy or build stuff with. The counterpoint for divorce lawyers involves getting good mortgage rates or house insurance for your castle. Ads provide a huge array of cars, none really high end, but sports radio guys don't really do cars, we do trucks. Big strong powerful manly trucks that go with our excess of newly acquired testosterone.
Entertainment & Food Sports guys spend free time at golf courses or casinos. Lots of casinos with superannuated entertainers beckon each day plus we can bet on games or anything else. If all else fails, head for Los Vegas where you can bet, play casinos, get divorced or married—all options provided. Most casinos provide endless buffets and you can lose all the weight you gain the gyms mention ManUP. Food options range from pizza, to pizza, to tacos to sports bars. Now and then a high-end steak house might slide in, but pizza and fast fast food dominate the airwaves.
Of course we complement food and casinos with alcohol. But because sports guys care about waistlines and gyms, we only drink “lite” beer, lots of lite beer of all labels. If we need more, no wine allowed, but mega-liquor stores advertise many options.
Seasonal Lite beer commercials are eternal, but many ads change by season. This is spring in the Northwest. Tax preparation options roll out in force, but a surprising number of ads urge people to get relief from unpaid taxes and liens. The IRS looms as a threat to all sports guys, who knew? Unpaid tax ads far outnumber tax preparation ads. Finally for spring in the northwest, we men fight off alien invaders. Sports guys are involved in a death match to protect their castles and mortgages from endless green slime moss monsters.
Enough ads have slowly sunk into me that I am now ready for my own Sport Radio makeover.
My renewed, replaced and regrown hair is flowing in the wind as I enter my new truck, my very very big low gas mileage truck, very sports guy. Strong chemical treatments have helped me overcome the testosterone crisis, and I am stoked, really stoked. If my new svelte chemically augmented body is not enough tonight, I have 50 Viagra tablets just in case. I hot-dog down the road listening to my six installed stereos playing rock music and sports games simultaneously. I speak or text on my super GMS smart phone as needed.
Am with a babe, no other kind of women exist for sports radio guys, or is she my wife or ex-wife? The testosterone fueled by Viagra has me a little confused here. I stashed my clubs after a day on the course before meeting the babe. After pulling into the casino we had a virile dinner of pizza plus steak plus lite beer. Bet in the sports room watching 12 televisions simultaneously with money I had got from not paying taxes for three years.
At home we had more lite beer and I regaled her with my conquest of the slime moss while we watch my four TV ultra-fast and large cable televisions. Then we retired to my super large sleep country mattress.
I am now a full fledged a sport radio dude.
(In case you did not notice, sports radio does not do women)